Happier
by HaughtxDamnvers
Summary: "Er... I just want to make sure you're okay." "So now you care?" Following 4x17, possibly 4x18, Erin's undercover episode. Inspired by "Happier" by Ed Sheeran


She was running on no sleep, 3 cups of coffee, and the courage to get through the day to go back home to the beer in her fridge. Home... that doesn't sound right anymore. It hasn't felt like home since he left, 3 days ago. Sleepless nights of crying, clutching the the shirt she stole from his side of the closet, savoring his scent like it's the only thing keeping her alive. At this point she thinks it is.

She takes 2 steps at a time up to the bullpen, noticing that he's not there yet. She's silently hoping no one will notice that she's wearing a flannel double her size...his flannel. The same blue one he wore during his undercover at Brady. She hopes no one notices that she looks like hell, after 3 days of no sleep. She hopes no one notices that she's barely eaten. She hopes no one notices how weak she is, or at least how weak she feels. She's never allowed herself to depend on someone so much.. she made the mistake of letting someone in, allowing herself to fall for him. But then again, you can't stop love.. can you?

"Erin." The gentle but rough voice of Voight rips through her thoughts. Its softer than normal, like he's trying not to scare her. She looks up at him to see him nod his head toward his office. She's hesitant, but follows anyway.

"Yeah?" She asks as she quietly shuts the door behind her.

"Are you okay? Everything good between you and Halstead?" He asks gently. The question shocks her, but she doesn't show any emotion. She didn't realize how easily you could tell she was hurting. She thinks about her answer, but decides a simple one would be best.

"Yeah, we're fine." That's such a bullshit lie. Hank decides that's good enough, for now. He nods and looks at his computer, signalling its time for her to leave the room. Watching her as she exits, Hank knows she's lying, the use of his flannel for her comfort was a pretty obvious giveaway, but its not his issue, so he'll give them a chance to fix it themselves.

She heads straight for the bathroom after leaving. Splashing cold water on her face, telling herself to forget him. She knew this would happen. She'd let someone in and they'd end up breaking her heart. She stares at herself in the mirror, wondering how she became so weak. "Screw him" she whispers to herself, fighting the tears that are starting to surface. She hates herself for saying that about him. He's done so much for her, he's her backup, he's always been there for her, through thick and thin. She sees a future with him, at least she _did_.

"Linds?" Atwater's deep voice startles her.

"Ye..uh..Yeah?" She stutters, trying to hide her pain.

"Uh, Voight wants us all for a briefing."

"Yeah..yeah I'll be out in a second, thanks." He seems satisfied with her answer and leaves. She looks back at herself in the mirror. She sees the same broken teenager from all those years ago. She ignores those thoughts and splashes her face once more. Thankfully she barely had any makeup on today. She'll put on a smile and act like everything it okay..as she's done many times before.

* * *

Jay Halstead was surprised, nonetheless. Erin looked happy, cheerful almost. She had come out of the bathroom with a emotionless look, but as she made her way to her desk, he noticed the careless look on her face. He wanted to cry, because she was happy without him, but then again, that's all he wants for her is to be happy. He remembered something his mother had told him a long time ago.

 _'If you truly love someone, then you'll wish happiness upon them, no matter who gives them that happiness.'_

He's forced to drop his thoughts has Voight comes out of his office, his eyes flickering around the room, lingering a little longer on Jay.

"We've picked up a half-solved case... Bobby Trent, murdered. We believe he was targeted because he had classified footage with him. The prime suspect, or suspects, I should say, is one of our city's wealthiest families. This should be fun." Voight smirked as Ruzek helped put pictures up on the board. Jay couldn't focus though. His mind was stuck on Erin. She looked miserable just yesterday, why was she so happy today? He watched as she went to the break room, and started going through the fridge. He was sure he was gonna regret this decision, but he followed her anyway. Watching as the visibly tensed up as he lightly knocked his knuckle against the door frame.

"Hey" She doesn't reply for a moment, moving from the fridge to the coffee machine.

"Um..hey."

"I jus... is that my flannel?" He asks with a light tone, hoping to make her smile or laugh in some way. Much to his disappointment, she doesn't laugh, smile, or barely even respond. Just with a simple 'mhm'. He decides to drop it and try something different.

"How have you been?" The tension and awkwardness of this conversation is consuming her. She needs to escape, quickly. She just shrugs, praying for the coffee machine to finish. She's hoping he'll just go away, and it hurts to wish for that, but he left her the other night with no problem, shouldn't it be easy for him to leave now too? Now he's just have a very one-sided conversation.

"You did that thing with your hair that I like." _Don't._

"I'm sorry." _Please stop.._

"You look happier." That's when she _snapped._

"I look happier?! So crying, getting no sleep every night, wearing _your_ shirts until they lose your scent, building a wall of pillows to sleep on in place of _you_ , laying on _your_ side of the bed? If that's considered happiness then damn did you spoil me!"

"Er... I just want to make sure you're okay."

"So now you care?"

"Erin..I'm-"

"No! You don't get to do that. You left, Jay! You just walked out the door. But why am I surprised? Everyone leaves in the end, so why did I expect any different from the only man I've ever fallen in love with, the only man I truly feel safe with, the only man I can fully trust. How stupid of me!"

He was silent for a moment, but before he could say anything, she stormed out of the break room, coffee left behind. He turned around to see the team acting like nothing was wrong, but he knew they had heard it all. Fighting back tears, knowing he had hurt the one person he vowed to never hurt. He walks back to his desk, wondering where she had gone.

"Halstead.." The anger seeping through Voight's voice didn't scare him as much as he expected. He enters his office, closing the door, then sitting down in one of the chairs. He was not looking forward to this conversation...

* * *

Nearly 2 hours later, Erin walks up the stairs to see more information on the board, more pictures, and the word 'undercover' with a question mark next to it.

"What's new?" She was curious. Undercover was never a good sign. It could be fun, but also very dangerous.

"The family owns a club downtown. Kev's CI said that they spent a lot of time there, around 6 to 8 hours a day. We're thinking if we send someone in, we could pry some info from them. The CI said the owner was, and I quote, a man-slut. We have the blue prints of the club. All we need is Commander's permission then we're good to go." Voight finished. She glanced over at Burgess, knowing they had to send a woman in, then she glanced at Jay, who looked almost like he was in 'timeout'.

Voight's office phone ringing startled her. She didn't know why she was so jumpy today, but it aggravated her. Jay must've noticed because he was looking at her with concerned eyes. Which aggravated her even more. He didn't have the right to be concerned anymore. He lost that right when he walked out of their... her apartment.

"That was the Commander. We got the all clear. Erin? You good to do this?"

"Yup." Simple but determined. She didn't need anyone doubting her.

"Er.. this is a dangerous t-" Jay starts but she quickly shuts him down.

"I'll be fine." She gives him a stern look, telling him to back off. He takes the hint but continues to look at her with worried eyes. He doesn't want her to go in alone, without back up. The guys in there are vultures, they won't hesitate to flirt, touch, or grab, nonetheless harm or kill. She'll go in and get the info, with him watching from a van. He has a bad feeling but pushes it away.

* * *

"Alright. You got a mic in your ear and a camera on your necklace?" Voight asked her. She nods and adjusts her necklace and blouse. Jay is standing in the corner, dreading this whole thing.

"If at any time you feel threatened, get out. Okay?" Voight confirms.

They made their way to the club, parking the van across the street and letting Erin out. She corrected her walk in her heels with more sass, adjusted her hair, and loosened her blouse a bit. Jay roughly swallowed the lump in his throat. She was so beautiful to him, he was having a tough time with her throwing herself a these guys. Over the mic he heard the cat calls and the whistles as she walked through the bar. He heard the degrading comments from their suspect. The snarky comments from Erin. The whole time he wanted to jump from the van and knock the shit out of all of them.

"So.. you looking to give somebody a good time?" The comment made his blood boil. This guy obviously thought she was some hooker trying to make some money. What made it worse was her giggle and response.

"Depends, what do I get in return? She smiles. She hates this, she hates him, that look, like she' just an object. _' Jay never looks at me like that'_ She thinks. She misses him and now its clouding her mind during work. She doesn't feel safe without him. She wants him, she _needs_ him.

"The promise that you can come to me whenever you'd like. You know, you fulfill your..needs." His tone sends shivers down her spine. This doesn't feel right, she needs to get out of here.

"Sounds fun, but I'm gonna have to decline. Now if you'll excuse me.." She gets off her stool and grabs her clutch, but the suspect has different plans. Someone had come from behind her and covered her mouth as the suspect just stared at her with this evil grin. Of course if she was leaving she'd be silent so the team didn't know she was being held. One person came to her mind. One word. She clawed the man behind her and managed to remove his hand long enough for her to yell out.

"Jay!"

The way she screamed his name sent his mind into a panic. He jumped out of the van and bolted towards the door, gun drawn, and one thing on his mind. _Erin._ He didn't even think about the team until he heard Voight yell his name. But he wasn't stopping, not until he got to her. He busts through the door easily. He quickly takes in the scene. Three guys..the bartender, the main suspect, and the one holding his girl. The bartender surrenders immediately when he sees the gun his Jay's hands. The main suspect just turns and looks at Jay with a smug grin on his face, which disappears when Jay kicks and begs the leg of the stool, sending the man to the floor. Jay knows his team is right behind him, so he leaves the man on the floor and pushes forward, following the man holding Erin, who was slowly moving backwards.

"Don't move! I've got a gun on her back. I'll shoot her!" The man yells. Jay doesn't see a gun, but it doesn't mean there isn't one. He looks to Erin's eyes, for confirmation. With the look she's giving him and the slight shake of her head, she confirms that the man is bluffing.. that there isn't a gun. That's all Jay needs. He nods and holsters his gun, looking at the man.

"Okay...okay. You've got the upper hand here. What do you want from us?" Jay starts negotiating with the man, confusing everyone here, making all wonder why Jay had given up so easily, so quickly. Making Erin think he misunderstood her, that he thinks the man has a gun on her.

"I want her." The man says, gesturing towards Erin. Jay nods, inching his way toward them.

"Okay." And with that, Jay turns around and walks out. Once he's out of the building, he fills the team in with his plan.

"Keep him distracted. I'm going around back. Erin, when Voight gives you the signal, I need you to pull as hard as you can." He tries to be as quiet as possible, opening the backdoor and closing it gently, making sure it doesn't slam. He hears Voight through the mic, negotiating with the man. He makes his way through the hallways, into the main bar area. He silently walks behind the man, and raises his hand for the team to see. He has 3 fingers raised...2 fingers... 1 finger.

"Now!" Voight yells. Erin pulls forward as Jay wraps his arm around the man's neck, pulling him back then throwing him against the bar, pinning him. He allows Ruzek to come and cuff the man. His focus was on Erin right now. He looked around for her but didn't see her, so he looked to Voight.

"She asked Atwater to take her back to the district." Voight answered his unspoken question. He nods. He'll just have to find her at the district. Soon.

* * *

He finds her in the breakroom, gripping the counter so hard her knuckles are nearly white. He doesn't want to spook her, so he slowly walks towards her and gently puts a hand on her shoulder.

"You okay?" His voice is soft. She loves it and hates it at the same time. Her silence worries him, but he knows she's thinking over her answer.

"Um... no." she breathes out. She's fighting the tears again. He notices and he restrains from hugging and holding her, telling her it'll be okay.

"It's okay. You're safe, we got him."

"That's not.. that's not why.."

"Then wh-"

"I miss you, Jay. I fucking miss you! You weren't supposed to leave! You were supposed to fight for me! I've never allowed myself to depend on someone like I have with you! I feel like nothing without you, Jay.. You're not there to wake me up with a kiss on my cheek, you're not there to make me breakfast in the mornings, you're not there to tease me about how messy I am, you're not there to race me to the shower, you're just not there! You said you loved me but I sure as hell don't feel it. So just, please Jay...come home.."

Her voice became a whisper as she turned away from him, tears wanting to fall. He had his own tears threatening to fall.

"I'm sorry Er...I'm so sorry." His voice was hoarse, as he was trying not to cry. He didn't have the right to. He had hurt her. She has to right to be using him a punching bag right now, verbally and physically. She has the right to break down and disown him. She's silent, almost waiting for him to continue, so he does.

"I want to come home. I want to fix this, fix us. I can't lose this, Er. Can I come home?" His voice is hopeful, but gentle. She looks into his glossy blue eyes, searching for something. She slowly nods, and it brings a shy smile to his face. He wants to kiss her, but he doesn't want to cross the line.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you..um.." She's hesitant, but the glimmer of hope in his eyes gives her all the courage she needs.

"Can you kiss me? I just.. I need to feel that ag-" She's cut off by a gentle kiss from him. She grips his shoulders, pulling him into her. He smiles into the kiss, gripping her waist. She quietly groans as he pulls away.

"I love you, I'm never leaving you again. I promise."

* * *

 _ **Please Review!**_


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